A Note to My Future Self

Dear Jess,

I don't know when you're reading this, but I'm gonna say it's probably at a time when you're feeling like things are crashing down.  Why else would you start going back and rereading blog posts? Come on, you've done it before and I know your sort of predictable.

Let me let you in on a little secret.  I'm writing this letter to you, future me, when things are crashing down.  Just this week I found out a family friend has a mass in his lung.  My body is being weird and I've been sleeping a shit ton even since I've been faithfully taking my medicine.  This week, my poor memory has been frustrating me a lot more than normal and I have no idea how to strengthen it.  Today, I first found out I passed my classes this semester with flying colors but then found out that I'm academic probation because of my choice to leave my other school mid semester to spare failing out.

It's been a rough week.

You're probably having a rough week.

Here's the thing though. I can mope around and do nothing or I could wipe away the tears of frustration and anger, and kick some ass.  Not literally, of course, unless there's someone who does actually need their ass kicked, then I will do it.  If we let every bad day or bad week run our lives, what would be doing with ourselves? What would we accomplish?

I'm not saying that we need to become a hard and heartless person who doesn't let anything phase us, because that's not who we are.  We're the ones that keep pushing, even when we want to give up.  Remember the first time you walked up the stairs at home after having your hip replaced? Yeah, you'll never forget will you?  You pushed against the want to sit on the ground in the front of the house for the rest of eternity.  Sure you were hopped up on pain meds but you pushed through the pain to do it.  It's so cliche say to you, but I'm doing it anyway because really this is just me talking to myself: if you can get through that year of your life and accomplish so much, you can keep going.

Now, I know this is just a bunch of words building encouragement up to go on and do whatever has you down, because really in a way that's what this ending up as...but on a final note, you don't give yourself nearly as much credit as you deserve.

Just take a step back from it all and breathe.  It'll all be okay.

_________________________________________________________________

Online Classes, Not For Me

What's that you hear?  Oh, that's just me celebrating passing my classes, officially.  That's right, today I found out what I already knew, that I passed the two summer classes I took! What am I doing? Throwing invisible confetti in the air, that's what.

source

I wanted to make this post a few weeks ago, but I didn't.  I didn't because what if I had a change in heart and I suddenly liked online classes? Unlikely, yes, but I thought I needed to wait until my semester was over before I started proclaiming why online classes aren't are for me.  But really, it's something that anyone who knows me would already have figured out by now.

First off, let's just briefly discuss my technology issues.  Beside our internet connection being oh so unreliable, I have a hard time operating my laptop on most days.  But seriously, the main problem with my technology issues is the fact that the only thing reliable about our internet connect is that it's gonna be terrible.  Whenever I have a deadline for anything, I can always count on my internet to suddenly disappear!

I've found after taking my first online class through my school this past spring that there were some glitches and random site shutdowns.  I gave the whole thing the benefit of the doubt, because come on, I was a newb and I didn't know any better.  After this eight week semester of site issues I'm calling it, it's not just me, it's also the site.  Believe me, I'm already frustrated with at least one assignment, don't add onto the load by giving me a glitch prone site to deal with too.  A lot of times that I was stressed out and pushing to meet deadlines was because I had put off doing the assignments because I didn't want to deal with the site that would probably glitch five times in one setting.  It makes for a very unhappy student.

The biggest thing: I forget.  I have a poor memory thanks to my Hashimoto's medicine, but when I'm not forced to get dressed, drive at least twenty five minutes and sit in class, in person I will undoubtedly forget that I was supposed to discussion posts on Thursdays. Or that I have ten assignments for one class on top of that exam due on Monday.  I've tried various tactics.  Agenda, writing all that shit down. It worked, for a while. Sticky noting all that shit all over my room, the refrigerator, the bathroom mirror, even my car.  Again, it only worked for a little bit.  There for a while, the only thing keeping me on top of assignments was my friend Maycie nonchalantly reminding me about school.

In the end, I just didn't like taking these classes online.  Maybe it's because I like being able to talk to people in face when we're having a discussion.  Or maybe it's because if I stay in my pajamas too long I inevitably end up back in bed.  For me, online classes are a thing of the past.  I'm going to avoid them if I can.

What about you? Have you taken online classes? Do you like them compared to normal in person classes?

Word Vomit

I can finally breathe easy. Or at least a bit easier than I have been the last couple of weeks.  Friday I spent most of the day fighting technology at home with pending assignments due and then spending my short shift at work worrying over if I was going to get all of my homework done before the deadline at 11 that night.

Friday was hell.  But you know what, I stayed positive despite rude guests, a terrible headache and news that one of my favorite managers is leaving next month, among other things.  In the end I got all of my coursework finished, and I didn't completely lose my crap at work in front of guests.

I feel like the last three weeks my head has been filling up with all these things that I either suddenly realized I need to do or have remembered a long list of things to do that I should already be doing (I lost my planner and all of my dates for events and such).  I think a lot of it has to do with pressuring myself to get my act together so I can really do well this next school year. The other part of me thinks it might just have to be with trying to please everyone from school, work and the Legion all at once.  But in all honesty, I think it's both of things and a smidgen of CRAZY added.

For the last week all I wanted to do was blog or at least write something short to share with whoever comes across this space.  I've neglected myself that because I wanted to stay on track and stay focused instead of spending hours writing a few posts when I got into the writing groove.  It worked for the most part, except for when I spent some time doing homework thinking about writing instead.

Word vomit. That's what this is, but after the crazy week I've had I feel like I need to get it out of my system. So here it is.

I have the next three weeks free before my next semester of school starts.  Well, I shouldn't say free because I'm still grabbing a couple of short shifts a week and volunteering more.  I'm also focusing on putting together what I'm calling "the career book" to help keep everything from my resume to cover letters and recommendation letters down to notes about job prospects.  I thought this little break between semesters would be a fantastic time to sit down and start putting it all together so when I start interviewing this semester (I'll discuss this more this week) I can have some to lean on!

Also, on this little break, I'm going to be focusing on getting into a workout routine of some sort so I can rely on it when school starts.  Other little odds and ends are finishing out my Summer Bucket List and figuring out how to plan meals for when classes start since I'm going to be working a mid shift and taking mostly night classes (against my will).

I realized this morning as I was waiting for my safety staff meeting to start that I'm trying to cram a lot into these three weeks.  Maybe I should just relax?  I could, but I don't think I would manage anything productive.  I'd probably end up falling into some sort of funk where all I do is lay in bed and watch Netflix.  Don't get me wrong, that sounds wonderful, but I have things to accomplish!

So there's my crazy for the last week or so.  Nothing too important.  Only that I survived my summer classes, which is an accomplishment.

There's your dose of Jess' Crazyy Thoughts, Jess signing out!

Fearing Change

Change is something that can't be fought.  Sure you can fight against it, but you'll still lose.  Every time.  It's going to happen whether or not we're ready for it or if we fully accept it.

Fighting against change is a good thing though.  I think that in the process, no matter how it's done, fighting any form of change allows you to be you.

For me I've learned that when I fight change it's usually out of fear.  Sometimes this fear is rational and other times it's completely irrational and makes me think "what the hell" at some point down the road.

Fighting change, no matter what is or how we do it is a way of what's in our heart making it's way to the surface -- I'm talking about both irrational and rational reactions.

I think that some people, or at least I know this is true for me, irrational reactions to change means that whatever is going on in the heart hasn't been given a chance to show.

This past semester was my first semester as a hospitality student. I loved it; it was new and exciting and I was thriving in this new environment.  About a month and a half into the semester one of my instructors forwarded me an email.  This email was about a summer internship at a national park.

I thought about it for a few days and then decided to just forget it.  Why do the internship?  I would miss family reunions and vacations.  I would be going alone. I wasn't sure I'd get into the program to begin with.  What if I couldn't handle working full time?

I was scared.  I knew that then but now,looking back I realized I was actually fearing all the worst:  failing.  I tricked myself into believing all these excuses I made for myself.

I missed a great chance.  I realize that, now.

There's a quote I always remember when I feel a little scared with what's going on in my life.

 I believed it to be true.  I still do, to a point.

I think I need to take more risks.  That everyone should take more risks.  How else are we going to learn what we're good at, what we're absolutely terrible at, or how to make ourselves into a better person?

Live and learn!