9 Reasons Why I'm Not Cut Out to Be a Little Human's Momma

A lot of people I went to high school are getting married and giving birth to little humans.  The getting married thing is weird but I’ve come to realize that a lot of people our age are getting married in other parts of the country so I’m not quite as weirded out about it.  The giving birth to little humans part is what gets me.  We’re just shy of two years out of high school and it seems like at least half of my graduating class has at least one little human running around.  Maybe it’s the fact that I still think of us as little kids still try to live in a grown up world that makes little humans terrifying to think about.

Let’s set aside the fact I don’t have a significant other, a place to myself, and a decent paying job and examine why I am currently not cut out to be a little human’s momma at this point in my life.

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1.  I had popcorn for breakfast. Yes, there’s healthy cereal in the pantry and eggs in the fridge along with fruit.  I could definitely have had a healthy breakfast this morning but instead I opted for popcorn.  I would probably end up eating little human food in lieu of real food. I’m sure if I throw some hot sauce on it everything would be golden.

2. Diapers. How do they work? I’ve never changed a little human before, so how does that work? I'm going to assume that duct tape is needed for this technology.

3. Do little humans sleep okay with loud music? I don’t function well unless I can have a good jam session every day, some days at least twice.  Will this be a problem?

4. I don’t do hangers, folding or drawers.  I do piles.  Seriously though, look in my room and you’ll find three piles of clothes.  The dirty pile is nearest to the door, the clean pile is by the dresser when “I’ll fold these after I shower” and the third pile is a mixture of nicer clothes from my closet and clothes that aren’t ready to be washed yet, but have been worn outside at least once.  I can see the mess with little human’s clothes, can you?

5. My car is named “The Hazard”.  I’m not a terrible driver per se but I have been known to willingly jump my car out in the holler when I get a chance.  

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6. I can barely get myself ready on time and remember everything.  I’ll be the momma that shows up late for a doctor’s appointment for the little human without the little human in tow.

7.  There will be glitter ingrained in the little human’s skin.  Arts and crafts with the little human, now that’s something I can look forward to.  He/she will be the sparkliest little human at preschool.

8.  I drop things a lot.  We might as well think about investing in mattress floors.  Or, even better yet, let’s just have trampoline floors so the little human will bounce back to my arms.

9. I have very low motivation to cook anything other than a box of macaroni and cheese.  We’re either gonna starve, live off of little human food and/or mac and cheese until the little human can cook.

My life is a mess and I’m really thankful that I’m not having a little human any time soon because there are far more than these nine things I’d have to work on.  I may not be cut out to be a little human’s momma right now in my life, but those who are my age and are doing it now, I give mad props to them.

I’m just gonna go back to jamming out to Lynyrd Skynyrd now and ignoring the three piles of clothes in my room.