TV Stress

I know I'm not the only one that has this problem because one of my classmates and friend and I have discussed how stressed we get when watching TV, particularly about the shows I'm going to mention.  This isn't the same stress that comes from getting attached to a fictional character, this is the stress that comes from reality TV and just how uneducated and lack of accountability there is.

I'm talking about hospitality based shows like Hotel Impossible (Travel channel), Restaurant Impossible (Food channel), Bar Rescue (Spike channel) and several others that I have not gotten to watch in depth yet.

I'm generally making this face between
covering my face with my hands and shaking my head.
photo source

As someone who is actually studying what it takes to run an efficient hotel, the components it takes to make a restaurant successful and about the leadership qualities needed to run a business in general, I get stressed out pretty quickly in the opening of one of these shows. The last episode of Hotel Impossible took me five minutes before I was stressed out.

Don't worry, the stress that I'm feeling from these shows isn't going to kill me if it does then clearly we have a problem on our hands.. Yesterday as my Ma and I watched an episode of Hotel Impossible and then Restaurant Impossible I ranted about everything that was wrong and how it could be improved and specifically how the lack of leadership and encouragement was ruining EVERYTHING we discussed a variety of things like empowering employees.  The stress I get from these shows has been a learning tool because I'm actively applying what I'm learning in class to each of these cases and actively thinking of approaches to help better the business.

I actually went to memegenerator to make this.
EMPOWER YOUR EMPLOYEES,
it'll do wonderful things for everyone.

In many ways it makes so much sense to do things a certain way but the biggest stress I've had with these shows is the lack of education people have when they start their own business (restaurants in particular) or take one over as an owner.  It takes so much more than just having your name on the deed and appropriate paperwork to make a business successful.  There is time that is devoted to figuring out what your guests want on a menu and making sure that your staff can perfectly execute it to keep those same guests returning time and time again.  There's thought behind setting up a dining room to create a pleasant environment and good flow in the room.  Beyond this there are many many more things that need to be taken into consideration.

I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that not everyone realizes how much work these things require and that there are other ways to make it in these businesses without studying in the hospitality industry.  I'm also reminded that shows like these, though they do have a strong tendency to over exaggerate certain elements, provide these clients with the education, tools and means to help better their establishment.
At the end of the day, the stress I go through watching just a single episode of these shows helps me tremendously because I'm staying engaged and taking note on things that I want to avoid in the future.  I haven't pulled too much hair out, yet.

Not Just a Dream

I have found that no matter where I go if I see a building that looks empty, rundown or is up for rent/sale I will immediately think about a business I could start to go into that building.  Some ideas have been pretty specific, like a store that only sells teacher school supplies at discounted rates for inner city schools.  Then there are other ideas that are generic and could have some more thought put into them if my drive was a bit longer, like a restaurant.

The more that I learn in my hospitality classes, do surfing on the web that actually ends up being in depth research of something related to the hospitality industry and watch certain TV shows (Hotel Impossible, Bar Rescue, Man vs. Food, No Reservations, etc.) I'm finding that my business ideas have been narrowed down to things that I will potentially be doing in the future.  I was thinking about this today while doing errands and it's amazing because I feel like this is solidifying my decision to go into hospitality.

The latest idea is the entity of a bar and grill type of establishment.  I have a few locations I would love to get my hands on and how I would design the indside from the location of the bar and beer taps, to the specific kitchen necessities and how I would arrange tables and a small stage for live music.  I even have part of a freaking menu lined up in my head along with a selection of drinks.  This newest idea though has gone farther than any of the others have.  I have started to plan in my head how I would start this business down to how I would start hiring managers, bar tenders, chefs and waitresses.  Even more specifically, I know exactly how I want to train them before opening.

I feel like I'm not just dreaming anymore when I have these ideas because in all reality in a few years I could be opening this bar and grill or that breakfast cafe my Ma and I briefly planned out on our Saturday grocery run.  This is the stuff that I'm looking forward to doing in the future and it's like something just clicked in my head, "I can do this someday, it's not just a dream".

I know it's all going to be hard work, whatever I end up doing because this industry isn't for the faint hearted or unmotivated.  It's going to be all right in the end because I don't think the fire in my heart is going to be put out any time soon.

Optimist

My name is Jess.  I'm an optimist because the negative thoughts were too toxic; my body, mind and soul were being torn apart from the affects.

I didn't want to live that life anymore.  I don't want to live that life.

It isn't too easy to cleanse my mind of all the negatives but I'm working on turning what ones are left into positive and meaningful ones.

My names is Jess.  I'm an optimist because I needed a change.

I want to be in control of my life and most of all, I want to live a happy life.

A Hand to Hold

I had a fantastic idea for a post yesterday but in the mess that is my life on Mondays it got pushed to the bottom of the to do list.  This post is not that post, I'm saving that post for a day when I feel like it should be shared because though it's something I don't mind sharing I was feeling different feels than what I am today as I sit down and write; when you have a strong rush of feels you follow what they tell you to write, so that's what today's post is.

Landing back in Pinterest world I took a break from studying/writing all of my textbook/trying not get paper cuts from making notecards and I found myself scrolling through Doctor Who quotes.  Today is one of those days that I just scrolled through all the pins and didn't pin may of them because I'm just really tired and I feel like I'm barely functioning.  Then I came across this one:

"There's a lot of things you need to get across this universe.  Warp drive, wormhole refractors...you know the thing that you need most of all? A hand to hold."  - The Doctor

 I've learned many things from watching Doctor Who and this is one of them.  I may not be traveling across the universe yet but I get it.  I get that it's a bumpy and crazy ride with turns and dips all over the place with unexpected twists that make you think hard about what's going on this life.  Because this is life and though I'm not a universal traveler like the Doctor is, I can appreciate this as a human stuck on Earth.

It's a lonely ride without a hand to hold.  The times I blocked everyone out and granted no access to the real and unpolished Jess were the times I struggled the most with what I was going through in life.  I understand that it's a phase or a thing that people do as part of their personality but I'm under the impression that if I had believed there was actually someone there to hold my hand I wouldn't have struggled as much.

L and I were talking a couple weeks ago about how strange life is and where it takes each individual person.  We discussed how it's been an interesting year and a half since we graduated high school and how much we've changed and evolved as people.  I've gone through many mountainous terrains in my and I think the only thing that has kept me moving forward is that I have realized I do have a hand to hold on the ride.

Time Slips By

Tuesday I went to see my surgeon for my three year follow up.  Today though is actually the anniversary date of my hip replacement.  For those of you who follow me on Twitter you know that I had to stop at Walmart on the way to the ortho center to get chocolates for the team because when you have a surgical anniversary like mine, you make it as cheesy as you can.

Fun little story: Jack, the surgeon's assistant, drew a heart on my right hip when I was in pre-op. With a Sharpie. I Jess hooked up to iv drugs thought it was a fun and neat idea since it was Valentine's day, however we found out later that week when Sharpie and the iodine they put on your skin before an incision is made does not come off easily or quickly.  It took weeks of scrubbing before the heart completely disappeared.  Thanks, Jack, for making extremely medicated me frustrated for many days because of that heart. I know he got a good laugh out of it.

For the last three years I haven't cared about being alone on Valentine's day.  I mean, I get to celebrate the fact that I am no longer disabled and that I can live my life normally now with a fully functioning hip.  Who cares about not having a man today? Not me.  I actually take pride in the fact I can say I had a Valentine's date just the once, even if it was with my surgeon and his team.  He gave me a great gift, a new hip that improved the quality of my life ten fold.  Beat that gentlemen!

I've done a lot of neat and crazy things in the last three years.  From going to New Orleans and walking around the city for a week during a convention to hiking for the first time to weight training, I've accomplished quite a bit that I never would have been able to before surgery.

I feel like while you're growing up time slips by and then BAM! You're a grown up expected to take responsibilities seriously and have your life put together.  It's weird though that compared to the time before surgery, these last three years have flown by at 50 times the speed, all because I can live my life.  Before surgery I feel like I was so anchored down and couldn't do anything because of the limitations I faced.

Three years is crazy.  What's even crazier is that in two more years it'll be five years since my life changed for the better.  In two years I can accomplish a lot to add to my "improved quality of life" list that I've been keeping for my surgeon.  All week I've been imagining the things I can/want to do like continuing my weight training, travel to places to see friends and family and make new adventures for the memory book.

The amount of potential I have for life now because of my surgery is astounding.  Don't get me wrong, I believe that anyone can do amazing things if they set their mind on it but in my case it was a blessing to have found a surgeon who not only cared about fixing the problem but is also very interested in my life and what I'm doing.  Because of this hip replacement I feel like I am becoming the person I was meant to be in life and for that I'm so very thankful.

*raises glass* So here's to the next two years and many more after that.  The years that I get to make memories, learn and live life.  I just hope I take the time to slow down every now and then and remember how lucky I am and to really enjoy everything as it happens.

Looking the Part

I can't remember where I read it at, but somewhere in the blogosphere I read an article about things you should/shouldn't do in your attempt at acting like a grown up.  Things like taking a book or your kindle with you so when you have to wait you'll appear like you're doing some worthwhile and not just Tweeting on your phone (I am so guilty of this).  Another point I remember from the article was something about tucking your shirt in and wearing glasses because it makes you look schmancy smart.  I was reminded of this post as I picked out what I'm wearing tomorrow in hopes that I won't tear apart my closet in the morning.

Tomorrow is my first day interning/volunteering at B.  I'll be doing a variety of things ranging from front desk customer service, giving tours, and setting up meetings and weddings and marketing for B's events and venue.  It's a small gig, four hours a week and it's unpaid obviously.  The big thing about it though is this is the first gig I've gotten that directly ties in with my hospitality degree.

So of course I have to look the part.

Here's the thing about me.  I've gotten to the point where I enjoy dressing up in something other than athletic shorts, a tshirt and trainers or jeans, a tshirt and trainers.  The problem?  Finding clothes that fit and look right that aren't athletic shorts, tshirts, jeans or trainers or my beloved hunting boots.  I am a self proclaimed problematic picky shopper.

Let's start with my feet.  Big and wide feet, the Johnson Woman Curse.  Check it.  Every single woman in my family that is a blood Johnson has big and wide feet. I've come to find specific places in the Wichita area that has trainers that are relatively well priced and are comfortable.  However, on the other end not so much.  I've spend entire days in shoe stores trying on dress shoes and flats to find just one pair that my big fat feet fit in that I can wear all day, walk in them without blisters and still not hate myself at the end of the day.  I have had no such luck so far.  I should be thankful that I have a pair of flats that I can pass as work appropriate even though they are in the color of glitter.  The pair of low heels I have, the ones that are also slip resistant so I can wear them in a kitchen, are good as long as I don't need to do a bunch of walking because I trip out of them easily like when I first toured B's.

Next: pants.   I've finally been able to find nice slacks that are wide enough for my waist/hips and don't drain the bank account.  However, it means that they are a few inches short.  I've always had this problem with pants so it's no surprise that I'm having to deal with this.  This is why I've been so focused on trying to find dresses or skirts in my size that hit my legs just right so I don't have to fuss about finding pants long enough. I mean, give me a pair of thick stockings to go with my dress and I'll be set for the rest of winter.

Shirts are the second frustrating thing to shop for after shoes.  My shoulders make it damn near impossible to find blouses that fit right but don't look over sized.  I have man shoulders basically and it's a pain in the ass to shop for cute feminine blouses when the shoulders make it impossible to put both arms into the shirt at once.  Oh, and let's not forget that I'm super picky about shirt length too, so there's another for the list.

Even though I have this long list of issues that makes me a super problematic shopper for anything clothing related, I really enjoy dressing like a professional.  I know it's me growing up finally and accepting that not every place will let me wear jeans and boots to work on the daily.  I think I also really like the idea of making myself appear all put together and confident when really my life is a mess and I think I'm going to trip going up the stairs at B's every time I have to give a tour.  I like looking the part, it's fun!

I Know I Ramble

I called my bestie of fifteen years last night, as I mentioned in yesterday's post briefly, and we talked for about ten minutes before she had to run off for a meeting.  In this short amount of time I updated my bestie A on all nerdy things I've been obsessed with recently.

Let me take you back to middle school Jess for a few moments.  I've always been a reader, and when I found Harry Potter some where around the sixth grade I became obsessed.  My obsession was....well, I was a crazy fangirl now that I think about it.  I've never labeled myself as a fangirl of something before, but looking back, that is definitely the term that needs to be used.  I was so obsessed with the books and movies and everything related to the Harry Potter culture that it's kind of embarrassing.  Bestie A was there through it all.  She listened to me ramble on and on about my theories (because remember, the series wasn't finished at this time) while we rode the bus to school in the morning.

I've definitely calmed down a lot since freshman year of high school.  But I still ramble about nerdy stuff.  I ramble a lot in general.

Last night A heard all about Torchwood and my condensed thoughts on season three and four (because I just have so much to say about each of these seasons).  And how I cried about Tosh and Owen and had a fit about Ianto.  Actually, the whole Torchwood conversation happened because I mentioned something about how attached I get to characters.

In the middle of talking I realized what I was doing and told A that I was sorry for rambling but she just laughed and I continued talking.

I know I ramble.  I know not all my friends like syfy stuff like I do, or get way too attached to characters. I get it.  But it's always nice to have someone who will let you ramble for hours minutes about these things because they know it's something you like.

I have a skype date with A tomorrow evening and I fully intend on finishing my thoughts on why I get so attached to characters...which will probably end up with another crash course in all things Torchwood and me trying to explain the vortex manipulator and why I find the blowfish so funny.

Broken

Today has been a roller coaster.  I woke up to a message of news that a family friend and Legionnaire had died late last night.  I couldn't get my car out to make it to class.  The positive was going to see my hip surgeon for my three year follow up. Oh, and I guess getting two and half chapters of my hospitality textbook knocked out of the reading park was a positive while I had to wait for my surgeon.

I'm pretty terrible with making phone calls.  I put them off for a super long time until I absolutely have to make it and then I'm super anxious about it.  I was so happy with the follow with my surgeon that I was waiting impatiently on the drive home to get home and call my close friends to share the news.

The second call I made was to a friend I haven't talked to in months.  I used to feel guilty about not making more of an effort (more than the attempts that I had tried) to get in touch with him.  This friend had helped me through one of the toughest months I ever faced last year.  He was so patient with me when I cried, nope, actually I sobbed a few nights when I was feeling really down.  I shared with him my background with my medical problems and how I was feeling so pressured to be the "good" patient even though I was told to live my life like I didn't have a prosthesis.  He was patient and was an excellent listener (something that I was lacking at this point in my life).  I don't know how many hours he listened to me talk and put up with snotty and teary Jess.  Not only did he listen to me but he also asked me questions that others hadn't and I felt comfortable being vulnerable and answering with true honest answers instead of the sugar coated answers I tend to give out.

When I called this friend I told him about my follow up and we talked about how happy we were about the whole thing and about some of the awesome things I've done in the last three years.  He then asked me how I was doing in general.  I had told him a few months ago I had been struggling with a lot of different stuff so I knew he was going to ask this question.  I surprised myself by telling him the truth.  That I'm okay. I'm doing better than I was and that I'm trying to stay positive.  I didn't think or mediate about how I was going to reply.

This may not seem all that special but I've got a habit of hiding how broken I am.  Sarah wrote this lovely post that I was able to relate to about how there are different kinds of brokenness.  For me, I have a super hard time identifying when I'm broken.  Part of that is because I've trained myself for years to hide it and put on a smile.  It makes it even more difficult to be honest with my friends when I'm feeling broken because as I've realized today, sometimes I'm broken so much that I can't handle it on my own and I need a friend to lean on.

One of my favorite quotes is from Doctor Who:

We all change.  When you think about it, we're all different people all through our lives and that's okay, that's good.  You've got to keep moving, so long you remember all the people you used to be.

As I explained to my best friend of fifteen years (besties since kindergarten, we've been through it all) I'm not the same person that I was two years ago.  That's great because it means I'm growing as a person and I'm starting to become the person that God wants me to be.  On the flip side, I can't forget the person I was two years ago because it's a part of me, it's my history of who I am.

The fact that I didn't need to think of a sugar coated response to "How are you doing?" shows that I'm changing. I would even go as far as to say that I'm starting to heal some of the brokenness that I've been feeling the last year and a half. That, to me, is a really good feeling.

I'm Done with Winter

Who do I need to contact to cancel winter?  I'm sure someone around here has the phone number.  Oh, what's that you say? I have to go in person to file a complaint? Well, I guess it won't happen today because winter has me stuck at home with the new layer of snow that was delivered last night.

Last week was kind of fun. We got about five inches at our house and I had fun riding to town with my brother to pick up Ma's medicines and grab bread.  It was like the stories Bill used to tell me about the winters he experienced when he was a little kid out in western Kansas.  The stories about how the highways got shut down because you couldn't see across the road let alone in front of your vehicle, how they put stranded motorists in the church for the duration of the winter storms.  Best of all, classes were cancelled!

But now it's just ridiculous.

Five inches of snow with temperatures that had been staying around 9 degrees as a high meant that hardly any of the snow melted.  A lot of the major roads in our area were still snow packed and slick.  I think I might have seen a small patch of green grass the other day.

You know, before winter attacked again.

I know this is hardly like any of the winter storms we've had before but I've had my share of snow for the season.  Let's get back to business as normal, yeah? That'd be great.

Crazy Cake Recipe

I can't believe it's Friday already! I've been stuck in the house for the majority of this week since we got about 5 inches of snow on Tuesday so it's pretty refreshing knowing today is Friday and that Monday I can go back to class!

I wasn't for sure what to post today but after chanting "write what you know" to myself a few times as I baked my brother a cake I realized I should share the recipe! It's my favorite scratch cake I've made and everyone in the house has pestered me for weeks now to make it again.  After Thanksgiving I got into a baking kick and I was baking new items nearly every day and the favorite in the house is still the Crazy Cake.

Since my brother heads back on the road tomorrow for work in Wyoming, I decided I'd be a nice sister and bake the cake for him since I've been slacking on being Betty Crocker as he refers to me, since school started.

The recipe comes from an old, extremely loved and worn cookbook that my mom has had....for forever.  It's the Hodgeman County Bicentennial Cookbook of 1776-1976 to be exact. I wish I had photos to prove to you how much it's been used because it's literally starting to fall apart off of the spiral binding but our camera isn't working right now.

It's a pretty simple cake.

1 1/2 c. flour

1 c. sugar

1 tsp. soda

1/2 tsp. salt

3 T. cocoa

1 T. vinegar

1 tsp. vanilla

6 T. oil

1 c. water

Mix and bake at 350 degrees until done.  The recipe also says if you want two layers you have to double the recipe.  It doesn't specify any time but I've found it's usually done in 25 to 30 minutes, but I always test the center of the cake before pulling it from the oven.  The only thing I've changed in the recipe is that I like to put in an extra tsp. of vanilla.  For icing, since I haven't found a scratch recipe I like yet, I just use a can of frosting from Betty Crocker, usually just white vanilla.  Cream cheese frosting is good with it as well, but it's very very rich when combined with the moist cake.

I wish I had photos to share, but I don't. :(

Let me know if you give this recipe a shot and what you did for icing!

Back to the. Basics

If you're following me on Twitter you've probably realized that I tweet a lot while I watch tv. *cough* Torchwood *cough cough*  The most recent Netflix marathon I've become attached to has been Grey's Anatomy.  I just started season three yesterday, and if weren't for our internet being slow because of the pile of snow on our roof affecting our antenna, I would probably be close to the end of the season by this evening.

Off topic.

In one episode, don't ask me which one because I've watched so much Grey's in the last week I can't remember specific episodes/seasons since it all kind of blurs together, the chief put's Dr. Yang in her place after teaching her a lesson.  The moral of the story basically was that sometimes you overlook things and make them more complicated than what they need to be by letting things cloud your mind.  It's all about going back to the basics and doing what you know.

Since I'm back in school this semester my bank account is pretty empty and I can't afford to pay for my gym membership like I did last year.  Last year I was pretty good about going in three to five times a week and working out for at least 25 to 30 minutes.  The goal was simple: to get moving.  Clearly, in the last month I haven't been able to do that and I've started to see how much it's affecting me.

I spend a lot of time at my desk sitting in this office chair that should really have been pitched and replaced a few years ago, doing homework.  I lose track of time pretty quickly, especially if I'm doing research. I mean, come one, one website leads to another and then another and before you know it you've got a bunch of new resources saved to your favorites and a hour and a half have passed!  It's been difficult for me to get used to this way since my two classes are on Monday and Tuesday and then my third one is online (the one that has yet to start...) so I spend the remainder of my week at my desk.  This ends up causing back flares (from the terrible desk chair I was talking about), hip flares and overall just really sore and weak muscles.

Determined to find some sort of solution I did what I thought was the easiest way to ask for help with something like this. I went to one of my Facebook groups of fellow spoonies and asked for any and all suggestions for at home stretching.  I got a lot of feedback and decided to join fitocracy.

I've been on fitocracy before but my mindset wasn't right when I had joined.  I think I'll have to explain why I stopped using it some other time because this post is already long enough.  I seriously wasn't for sure if I wanted to go this route again, mostly because I didn't know how to make what I used to do at the gym work for me at home without any of the equipment and very limited space.

Back to the basics.

My goal is to get moving more so I'm not sitting at my desk for hours and hours at a time during the week.  That's simple when you really think about it!  I was trying to make everything 10 times as difficult as it was needed.

Like I said, I'm on fitocracy now and if you'd like to follow me my username is JessieJohn .

 A good lesson to remember, just to take it back to the basics.

My First Month as a Hospitality Student

I’ve mentioned before a few times that I changed my major when I transferred schools.  I’m now in the hospitality department majoring in hotel management.  Don’t give me that look, yes I know what look you’re giving me.  It’s the “that’s actually something you can study?” look.  Or, perhaps it’s the “what do you do in class?” look.  I’ve seen a lot of those types of looks, believe me.

The program I’m in is pretty small; last year there was about ten students total that graduated from the hospitality department.  I told you it was small.

I’m only able to take three classes this semester, and only two of those are in the hospitality department.  I’ve only been in the major for a month but one thing is certain.  I LOVE IT.

Let’s put aside the fact that every class session we get interrupted by the chef in the kitchen next door bringing us food from and focus on the other important things.

We’re all friendly and easy to talk to.

I say ‘we’ because there’s not anyone (that I’m aware of at least) that are taking these classes just for funsies.  Our department is located on a different campus in a building that fits our department size: small.  We, as in the hospitality students, love our little program from what I’ve seen.

We’re easy to talk to, I mean, we’re HOSPITALITY students. If we can’t be approachable and easy to talk to, what are we doing in this department and industry?

I’m not going to lie and say I’ve made friends with everyone in the department, because that’s not true…yet.  I have had quite a bit of anxiety the last couple of weeks but it makes it so much easier when I can roll my chair (all of the chairs and tables in our main room are on wheels, just another reason to love this place!) to the next table and ask someone what they think about reading material and have a pretty in depth conversation about philosophies on running an efficient restaurant or hotel. Or, as I really enjoy doing, rolling to the next table and asking for any gross sanitation stories they might have encountered, because let’s be real, we learn what not to do from hearing the gross stories we’ve witnessed over the years.

Speaking of gross stories, we’ve gotten pretty good at those.  Ever been to a restaurant and see something nasty happen from one of the workers? You might have forgotten about it but if you sit with any of us from my sanitation management class you’ll probably remember it in a heartbeat because that’s like all we talk about.  We often get sidetracked from the lesson plan because one stories leads to another, and another, and another…  Yeah, it’s gross and makes you never want to eat outside of your own home again, but it makes you appreciate the service and food when you do go out and it’s all done correctly.  Oh, and for me at least, it makes me want to clean our kitchen like you wouldn’t believe.

In addition to these gross stories, we can point out how much bacteria growth your food has probably gained during the duration of your party because you’ve let it sit out for too long.  Don’t get offended if I don’t eat anything at your party, I’ve just grossed myself out thinking of the multiplying bacteria and the nasty affects that arrive with it.  We can also probably tell you what illness you have contracted from a restaurant if you’ve been feeling sickly. That is if you decide to tell me, your friend, if you have diarrhea, vomiting, a fever or nausea.  No, I’m no doctor, but I can probably point you in the right direction of the doctor who will diagnose you with those sickly pathogens.

You mentioned something about taking a trip in a few weeks.  Let us help you; we’ll find you the best rates for travel and lodging using our favorite sources, for free.  We’ll probably even recommend a couple of restaurants we want you to try and report back to us on and find interesting things to do and see.  You don’t have to do a thing but ask.

Besides being able to gross you out in probably less than three minutes, I have a feeling we’re pretty useful to have as friends now that I think about it.

The best part of being a hospitality student is knowing that because of the vastness of the industry, I’m not alone in thinking that I’m crazy for wanting to be in an industry that works 24/7, 365 days a year.

Change: Breaking My "Mold"

I feel like one of the things that the grownups in my life forgot to mention to tell me when I said I couldn’t wait to grow up as a child and even as a teen was that things change in life.  Change happens on the daily and sometime it’s very subtle and other times it’s a 160.  The point I’m trying to make is that change is something I can’t control most of the time and it’s scary realizing that the person I was two years ago is completely different than the person I am today.

I love my jeans.  I wear them nearly 365 days a year and I have no problem with that (well, except for those hot Kansas summer days when wearing shorts and a tank top feel like I’m wearing jeans and a parka).  As reflective as I’ve been recently about the changes I’ve made in my life, the ones that I consciously did and the ones I subconsciously changed I’ve realized that so much of my teen years I tried putting myself into a mold.  In some cases, I think I tried cramming myself into that mold.

I’ve tried several times to explain this but have failed to do so in a way that wouldn’t make me sound completely bonkers.

My family is an outdoors family.  Growing up I spent most of my summers at the family farm fishing and camping or we’d be out at a state lake doing the same.  In the fall and winter I’ve accompanied my father, brother, uncle and cousins on hunting trips.  These activities produce some of my fondest memories of my family and my childhood.  In the last year or so I’ve slowly started to realize that I don’t make learning everything I can about guns a priority, or that I still don’t really know how to skin a fish properly.  Even more important to this realization is that I’m tired of pretending to make these things a priority, of trying to make them define me.

I don’t know what defines me.  I’ve changed since high school and my thoughts and views on life are different.  My priorities have changed. My dreams and goals have changed.

Change.

It’s a weird concept to think about.

Back to the molds I was talking about.  I had these molds that I was trying to conform to.  For example, I felt like because I enjoyed going shooting with my brother that I was slacking on being on top of the knowledge and information to make him proud.  I felt like because I enjoyed being on stage in theatre in high school that I need to be more outgoing and sociable.  Even now, I’ve changed my major and I feel like I have to fit the mold to be more sociable and outgoing in order to be succesful the industry.

What I’m trying to get at (I think) is that I shouldn’t feel inclined to say I hate wearing my dress pants because they aren’t my jeans.  My dress pants are really freaking comfortable and I feel super confident in them.  I shouldn’t feel inclined to go to the gun store and stare blankly at cleaning tools just to give the illusion that I know what the hell I’m doing.  I shouldn’t feel inclined to do anything that makes me want to define myself as one thing or another because it’s what I think I should be defined as.

In short, I want to be me.  As I’m writing this, I realize that’s what my 20’s are going to be about, finding who I really am and what I want to be as future Jess.

That’s scary as shit but yet exciting all at the same time.