Change: Breaking My "Mold"

I feel like one of the things that the grownups in my life forgot to mention to tell me when I said I couldn’t wait to grow up as a child and even as a teen was that things change in life.  Change happens on the daily and sometime it’s very subtle and other times it’s a 160.  The point I’m trying to make is that change is something I can’t control most of the time and it’s scary realizing that the person I was two years ago is completely different than the person I am today.

I love my jeans.  I wear them nearly 365 days a year and I have no problem with that (well, except for those hot Kansas summer days when wearing shorts and a tank top feel like I’m wearing jeans and a parka).  As reflective as I’ve been recently about the changes I’ve made in my life, the ones that I consciously did and the ones I subconsciously changed I’ve realized that so much of my teen years I tried putting myself into a mold.  In some cases, I think I tried cramming myself into that mold.

I’ve tried several times to explain this but have failed to do so in a way that wouldn’t make me sound completely bonkers.

My family is an outdoors family.  Growing up I spent most of my summers at the family farm fishing and camping or we’d be out at a state lake doing the same.  In the fall and winter I’ve accompanied my father, brother, uncle and cousins on hunting trips.  These activities produce some of my fondest memories of my family and my childhood.  In the last year or so I’ve slowly started to realize that I don’t make learning everything I can about guns a priority, or that I still don’t really know how to skin a fish properly.  Even more important to this realization is that I’m tired of pretending to make these things a priority, of trying to make them define me.

I don’t know what defines me.  I’ve changed since high school and my thoughts and views on life are different.  My priorities have changed. My dreams and goals have changed.

Change.

It’s a weird concept to think about.

Back to the molds I was talking about.  I had these molds that I was trying to conform to.  For example, I felt like because I enjoyed going shooting with my brother that I was slacking on being on top of the knowledge and information to make him proud.  I felt like because I enjoyed being on stage in theatre in high school that I need to be more outgoing and sociable.  Even now, I’ve changed my major and I feel like I have to fit the mold to be more sociable and outgoing in order to be succesful the industry.

What I’m trying to get at (I think) is that I shouldn’t feel inclined to say I hate wearing my dress pants because they aren’t my jeans.  My dress pants are really freaking comfortable and I feel super confident in them.  I shouldn’t feel inclined to go to the gun store and stare blankly at cleaning tools just to give the illusion that I know what the hell I’m doing.  I shouldn’t feel inclined to do anything that makes me want to define myself as one thing or another because it’s what I think I should be defined as.

In short, I want to be me.  As I’m writing this, I realize that’s what my 20’s are going to be about, finding who I really am and what I want to be as future Jess.

That’s scary as shit but yet exciting all at the same time.

The Calm Before the Storm

If you follow me on Twitter thanks for putting up with me you probably know that I like watching college basketball.  I have a variety of teams that I’m following this season and though I haven’t been able to catch very many games I’ve been tracking them with my handy CBS Sports app on my phone, and promptly run my battery down in the course of a game. I have been known to track an entire game covertly while being out with friends.

Here’s the thing, I don’t really know how I got into watching basketball.  I think it might have first spawned when I had my hip replaced and I was home to watch the majority of all of March Madness in 2011.  I got to watch my Kansas University Jayhawks play and then my second favorite, for no apparent reason mind you, Kentucky.  I guess that’s what started it.  Ever since I’ve enjoyed watching the game and on many, many occasions I’ve begged to have the big tv in the living room to watch a game and then get sent to the other room because I’m too loud.

Right, so what does my enjoyment of watching college basketball have to do with a storm? Well, I’m mellow right now.  I’m not talking about games from earlier in the week, or how I think the games this weekend are going to end up.  I’m not discussing how much I used to yell at Ron Baker from Wichita State University last season, though that might be because he’s so much better this year and doesn’t need me to yell at him from my side of the tv.  Sure I might be checking my phone constantly if there’s two teams playing each other that I just can’t sit idly by as they play the game, but I’m not…freaking out.

Yet.

In past years, mostly just last year, I’ve found that I get crazy around late January, early February with basketball.  We’re not that far off, folks!  It’s just around the corner and before we know it, I’m going to be live tweeting a series of games and I’m probably going to end up losing even more followers and end up in Twitter jail.  I can’t wait!

Sit Right Here

Yesterday I found out that a long time family friend, someone I've known my entire life, passed away on Tuesday.

It was one of those pieces of news that I had been expecting to hear at any moment for a few weeks now but was hoping that I wouldn't have to hear it all.  Even when you try to prepare yourself for this type of news you're never actually ready to digest it when it comes.

This is the second family friend of mine that has died this year and I say this year because they were both members at our Legion post and our year starts in April.  I've spent the majority of my life at the local Legion post and a lot of our family friends have been in my life since I was born.  How could you not know someone from the post when within 24 hours of being born my carrier was being brought through those doors?

One of the most memorable things was when John was hosting his homecoming party after being a fifth district officer and asked my mom to cook for at least 100 guests less than a week before the actual event.  We spent many hours in the kitchen at the Legion cooking for his party and he was so good natured about everything.  He was always cracking jokes and finding ways to make my mom sassy and would crack another joke just to get her riled up.  His laugh was contagious.

I also can't forget all the times that we would gather in force to decorate the post for the several functions we used to host.  A full day of decorating was both fun and hard work and John always seemed to find one way or another to make it fun for me, even at a young age.

I'm writing this while I listen to Drink a Beer by Luke Bryan, the song that made the number one spot on my 25 Songs I Couldn't Stop Listening to in 2013.

"Funny how the good ones go too soon but the good Lord knows the reasons why I guess.  Sometimes the greater plan is kinda hard to understand. Right now it don't make sense, I can't make it all make sense."

It's a difficult thing to digest. Knowing that someone who has been around all of your life and has done fantastic things to help the community, state and nation and is no longer here.

It's too early.

I always pictured our friends from the Legion being at the important things in my life, even the ones who we have lost some communication with in the past years, including John.  Several of them sent me cards and called me when I had my hip replaced and when I graduated from high school.

But then I remember a few things. For instance, I'm 19 nearly 20 years old and these people aren't going to be around for forever.  Or that John was suffering in this life and was being called home to rest with his wife.  Knowing that he's not hurting and is with his wife and friends make me a bit happier.

"So long my friend, until we meet again. I'll remember you and all the times that we used to...sit right here on the edge of this pier, and watch the sunset disappear, and drink a beer."

10 Thoughts on Turning 20

I’ll be 20 this year, in six days actually.  I realized that I would be turning 20 just about three weeks ago and when I did, I was kind of shocked.

1.      Where the hell did all the time go? I seriously thought just yesterday that I was eight and I was still on crutches.  Now I’m just a handful of days away from no longer being a teenager.  What happened?

2.      No longer a teenager? I can’t decide if I’m thrilled at that thought or terrified.

3.      Not being a teenager anymore? Like seriously, I’m going to be an adult in six days.  When did I agree to do this? If it was when I was throwing an angst fit a few years ago in high school, I take it back. I don’t wanna be a responsible grown up right now.

4.      How many times will I write 19 before I remember I’m actually 20? It took me until the middle of March to remember it wasn’t 2012 any more and that all the dates I had written since the first were wrong.  I might forget about not being 19 still until my 21^st.

5.      Turning 20 doesn’t mean that I have to give up my in car singing and dancing, does it? Because if it does, count me out! I’ll stay a teenager.

6.      I’m surprised I lasted this long. I thought someone would have shot me by now, to be honest.

7.      I know I’m only a couple years older than them, but turning 20 makes me feel really old compared to my friends still in high school.

8.      Do I get more naps?

9.      Honestly though, the last two years have flown by and I can’t believe that in six whole days I’ll be turning 20.

10.  Is it still childish to want an ice cream cake for my birthday?

Six days.  Woah.